Perhaps you know what I am talking about...
You are hyperventalitating while you cry, snot is everywhere, tears are streaming down your face, and no matter what you do, you can't stop. To make matters even better, it was on my husbands shoulders and nice shirt. He had never heard me cry in this way before. Completely loose with no restriction. The strong, confident, "got it all figured out" Caren was broken. Instead was in his arms a little girl afraid, consumed, and confused.
Let me start by sharing that I am not one who cries often. I have experienced this ugly cry perhaps 4 or 5 times in my 26 years of living and each time has been accompanied by God's still small voice speaking to my soul. Sure, you can say I am extra emotional and hormonal because of pregnancy and maybe that's how the tears started. With that said, to go from small tears to a complete break down seemed a bit beyond just pregnancy hormones to me. I tried to do a video about it but I couldn't seem to organize my thoughts nor really share about it vocally without breaking down again. But God gently encouraged me to write. After all, this blog was created to share my real and raw faith & wellness journey with you. I am not the best writer but my desire is that through my experience, God would become more real in YOUR life and you would see His tenderness, grace, presence, love, kindness, gentleness, and incredible patience with us.
Ironic, isn't it, that my previous post on here was calling us to decide if we will believe the Truth of God's Word or the facts of our circumstances. Yesterday was an overwhelmingly large pattern of decisions to see my physical reality and let go of God's promises which I believe became the foundation of my breakdown. Suddenly, things that used to rarely shake my faith were crashing down on me and I absolutely crumbled. Where was God? Oh, He didn't move...He was right there, speaking, guiding, instructing, reminding, all of it. I just wouldn't look at Him. Everything from:
When Elijah heard it (God's still small voice), he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold a voice came to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?""
I couldn't even respond. I didn't know why I was here or what I was doing. I felt lost, confused, afraid, and consumed. He continued, "Caren, I am always with you, why did you stop looking at me? I have not left your side." Within minutes it seemed like God was answering prayers I hadn't even uttered yet. I was too busy worrying about what was happening in front of me that I didn't even stop and ask God for help. In His grace and abounding love, however, He answered. Without going into too much detail, let's just say within minutes financial stability was found (literally...like...our bank account's numbers were changing because of certain people, things), peace about my pregnancy flooded in, peace about my family's health was re-assured, and I was left there, raw, vulnerable, in awe, in shock, and overwhelmed with His love. I was not expecting grace. I was expecting rebuke; a "Caren you should know better" or "Caren because of your lack of faith I am going to stay silent." Clearly that is not the God we serve. Instead I was encountering my FATHER. "Caren, here...let me remind you who I AM and then let's have a soul conversation and see why you ended up here."
The ugly cry, my friends, happened at this point. It wasn't while I was overwhelmed by the circumstances, it gushed out the second I experienced this deep love I did not deserve. How could God extend that much love, grace, and kindness when my faith was so small and weak? Because God does not punish weakness, God extends grace to weakness. Rebellion is a different story for another time. So I fell in Graham's arms as I shared with Him what happened. A soul conversation was still happening, God was not finished (and is never finished). "Why did you look away?" Anyone else have a Peter walking on water in the storm flashback? The second Peter looked at the waves rather than Jesus, he sank. I was sinking. God, in His goodness, grabbed my hand and launched me into His chest and held me tight "Why did you look away?" As I was grabbing Graham with every fiber of my being, in my spirit and my mind I was grabbing Jesus. As I type this the tears are already flowing again. I can't.
If you have not had the best earthly father figure or experienced the love of a Father I am here to tell you GOD IS IT! He uses people, His Word, nature, anything to remind us of His presence but we have to look for Him. What we look for we will find. If we look for reasons to be afraid, anxious or depressed we will find them. If we look for Hope, Love, Peace, Joy, Strength, JESUS, we will find Him too.
I welcomed the ugly cry as I collapsed in my husband's arms. And still today I am running to Him and never want to stop running. I don't ever want to forget Him or lose sight of Him but it requires a daily commitment, daily mindfulness, daily choice to LOOK. SO let this be an encouragement to you. God is present. God is real. God is your Father. God is good. God will heal. God will provide. God is enough.
A Bit About ME!
Hey friend! My name is Caren and I am so glad you stopped by! This blog is a bit of my corner on the internet where I share honest thoughts about my faith journey, fitness journey, doctor wife journey, and motherhood journey. ALL of it! The good bad and ugly! I pray that something I share encourages you today!